I wake up, just to rot in bed all day. Silent words and pleas fill the room causing me to suffocate. keep on. The voice that always felt so close and near to me, now just a vague memory I keep wishing would come back to me. Keep on, ….pushing. fighting for my life, my spirit, my confidence, in an endless battle between me and envy. Keep on. I dream, I see a life just beyond the horizon, keep on, …..reaching. Pushing my way out of the hold of the enemy, my envy, my guilt, my sin. Keep on,…. reaching.Reaching out for a hand, but not being able to feel it. Falling…. behind? I wake up for my silly dream, thinking i’d ever be able to escape my sin, my guilt, my sorrow. The sorrow that made me have those thoughts. keep on,… reaching. But reaching out for what? A hug, a hand, a face, a stranger? Reaching out, but for what? An end, a blade, something just to ease the pain? I feel myself slip into those thoughts. Keep on reaching. I wake up from my slumber but something different. Not the suffocation in the air, no that’s the same, maybe heavier, maybe lighter. Is it the way the air blows, how my hair sways from the wind coming through my window?Is it the feeling that i’m better than this? I wake up, or rather just open my eyes. Can i really say i’ve just woken up when everything’s the same.?Keep on pushing. But who is that in my room? that distant face I almost forgot.I realize what’s different, I now have a meaning in life, not given to me from me, but from a friend i once knew.. a friend i would like to know now. I wake up, brush my teeth, wash my face, clean my self. Clean my house. Pick that old book up, except it isn’t old, i just aged it faster from leaving it alone, I read my bible. Overwhelming feelings flood out the pages, but instead of adding to the suffocation, it starts to…leave? I cry, i cry for those silent nights, those times when i felt better off dead, those restless nights.I’m done pushing, but then i realize, I was never pushing, God was. pushing me to see the beauty in life, pushing me to see the beauty in myself,I feel a weight lift off my shoulder, that feeling I knew all to well, my guilt, my envy, my sorrow, now gone. I’m not perfect, far from it. I don’t believe i will ever be “perfect” but here’s a start. A start to regaining my life. I feel the blade slowly pull from my heart, the walls falling apart. Vulnerable. But for once in my life, vulnerability doesn’t feel bad. But still, that chapter hasn’t fully closed, in my restless nights I see “it”, feel “it”.sometimes feeling it pulling on my arms, trying to slip me away from me and put me back in “her”. This feeling, A urge, a itch, just not one i’m willing to scratch.
--sabo black, kkenziexo_ on Instagram , 17/07/2025
Theme : Self, Others -- "Testimony"